What Your Sweater Says About You

Ralph Lauren Cable-Knit Sweater: Your dad and mom lied on their taxes, and you probably did, too. However they premeditated their fraud; you’re simply incompetent.

Chunky White Turtleneck: You’ve made the “When Harry Met Sally” New 12 months’s speech to at the very least 5 totally different girls.

Grey Wool Sweater: You might be in a TV industrial, struggling to play along with your grandchild due to your rheumatoid arthritis.

Black Turtleneck: You might be about to do one thing very shady within the tech business. Otherwise you’re going for French-chic minimalism, however you don’t have the haircut to tug it off. We will all see the deodorant stains and cat hair.

Après-Ski Sweater: You’ll be able to afford to go snowboarding, although you don’t take pleasure in it. You identical to networking within the lodge. Yet one more overpriced whiskey with Invoice in non-public fairness in entrance of a gasoline fire and also you’ll seal the deal. Have a good time over cigars with Samuel in enterprise capital on a perilously icy patio.

Princess Diana-Model “Black Sheep” Jumper: You are attempting to get your mother-in-law’s consideration. And if for a single second she’d cease mourning somebody she by no means met who died many years in the past, she’d most likely recognize the hassle.

Official Taylor Swift-Merch Chunky Cardigan: You personal each Taylor Swift album on vinyl, and also you’ve seen her carry out 4 instances in three totally different nations. You’re in your credit-card-debt period.

Kansas Metropolis Chiefs Sweater: You might be Taylor Swift. Or my dad’s cousin Andrew who lives on the Missouri aspect of Kansas Metropolis. A type of two folks.

Mister Rogers Cardigan: You’re a fifty-five-year-old man working for a suburban financial institution, counting down the times until your retirement, or you’re a twenty-four-year-old novice skateboarder in a Bushwick polycule.

Cosby Sweater: You’ve been in a coma since 1987—hopefully.

Nordic-Model Fisherman Sweater: You might be vegan and morally against fishing, however that is the state-mandated Scandinavian uniform. You’re chilly, however you will have free well being care.

Lower-Out Sweater: You actually wish to showcase your clavicles and mid-back for some cause. You’re chilly and your privatized well being care is bankrupting you.

Patagonia Sweater Jacket: You don’t want well being care since you’ve received authorized weed. Otherwise you’re in finance and might afford to pay out of pocket (regardless of your sweater having none).

Quarter-Zip Sweater: You might be underneath the age of ten. Aw, nuts—Mother needs one other photograph of you with Grandma and Grandpa. She took away your iPad since you wouldn’t smile. Life sucks.

Sweater Vest: You fuck.

Argyle Knit Sweater: You’re seventy-five and fuck.

St. John Cardigan-and-Tank Combo: You might have been a functioning Sauvignon Blanc alcoholic for over a half century. And also you’re seventy-five and fuck.

Mockneck: You’re a wishy-washy coward who can’t commit.

Boyfriend Sweater: The man you borrowed this from won’t ever say he’s your boyfriend. It’ll take you means too lengthy to understand that.

Cashmere: You suppose you’re higher than different folks.

Loro Piana Cashmere: You might be higher than different folks.

Commonplace V-Neck: You’ve by no means had an authentic thought in your life. Your relationship profile says that you just’re looking for “the Jim to your Pam.”

Bell-Sleeve Sweater: You concern neither soup nor candle. Everybody with you at dinner may be very nervous, although.

J. Crew Crewneck: You’re a jock who received into Yale. Your dad, a well-connected, rich alum, is so pleased with you. You take heed to Vampire Weekend prefer it’s an Olympic sport and drink craft beer prefer it’s a faith.

Scarf: That grisly, unsolved native crime? Your husband did it. He’s the love of your life, father of your kids, a paragon of the P.T.A.—however, sadly, he did do it.

Mohair: You’re like Cruella de Vil if, as an alternative of puppies, she needed to pores and skin Grover.

Cape: You’ll be able to orgasm solely whereas fascinated by “Nosferatu.”

Ugly Christmas Sweater: You’re very seemingly sporting asbestos. That’s why you’re so heat.

Honest Isle: You might be able to survive one other harsh winter. You’ve thought deeply about how you’d eat a fellow-human, if it got here to it.

Light-weight Cotton Button-Up Sweater: You don’t know what a shirt is. ♦