What to Do if You Discover Paul Giamatti Hiding in Your Christmas Tree

Due to his potential to fully lose himself in any position—together with that of a mildly depressed vacation decoration—it may be days earlier than you even discover Paul Giamatti tucked away among the many tinsel and sweet canes in your Christmas tree. To not fear: listed below are some useful recommendations on what to do within the occasion that you simply discover the two-time Academy Award nominee hiding in your Douglas fir.
Look forward to him to depart on his personal.
Have in mind, the poor little fella’s extra afraid of you than you’re of him. All he needs to do is get again to starring in critically acclaimed dramedies that spotlight his spectacular vary. Happily, Paul Giamatti is among the most prolific actors in Hollywood, with a filmography that runs the gamut from “John Adams” to “Straight Outta Compton.” It’s solely a matter of time earlier than he’s known as away for what is going to certainly be one more praiseworthy efficiency.
Lure him out with Oscar bait.
If you happen to don’t have time to attend, you possibly can all the time attempt luring Paul Giamatti out of your Christmas tree by leaving a path of pages from a compelling screenplay that leads him proper out your entrance door. Make certain it’s one thing he can actually sink his enamel into, like an Alexander Payne household drama, or, higher but, a bio-pic of Teddy Roosevelt. Nothing entices Paul Giamatti greater than the prospect of scoring that elusive Oscar gold.
Learn out the evaluations.
It’s a well known proven fact that Paul Giamatti is definitely frightened by loud noises, and no sound is extra scary to him than that of a adverse evaluate. Even an actor as nicely considered Paul Giamatti goes to prove a number of duds all through an in any other case illustrious profession. So begin studying aloud what the critics wrote concerning the 2007 Christmas clunker “Fred Claus” and watch as Paul Giamatti scurries for the closest open window sooner than you possibly can say “Licensed Rotten.”
Use a repellent.
Very similar to his “Sideways” character, Miles Raymond, Paul Giamatti can’t stand the style or scent of Merlot. Uncork a bottle and place it on the base of the tree. The distinct aroma of ripe cherries and darkish chocolate ought to trigger Paul Giamatti to exit your house and by no means return. On the very least, he gained’t be capable of assist rising from the tree and exploding right into a tirade about why he’s “not ingesting any fucking Merlot,” providing you with simply sufficient time to entice him in a web and launch him again into the wild.
Introduce a pure predator.
It’s a dangerous transfer, however you may take into account scaring Paul Giamatti into leaving your house by introducing the factor he dreads most: a fellow character actor. You’d remember to gentle a fireplace underneath his butt by reminding him of such scene-stealing skills as Invoice Camp, J. Ok. Simmons, and John Turturro. However proceed with warning, as character actors are extraordinarily protecting of their appearing prospects, and are recognized to turn into aggressive when positioned in the identical room.
Name within the professionals.
The very last thing you need is for Paul Giamatti to make his approach into your partitions and construct a nest. As lovely as a bunch of child Giamattis skittering round your house could appear, they will trigger untold property injury. You’ll know you could have a Giamatti infestation if you discover DVD copies of “American Splendor” scattered about your attic and listen to expertly delivered expletive-laden monologues by means of the partitions in any respect hours of the evening. At that time, it’s time to herald the large weapons by contacting your nearest SAG-AFTRA affiliate to have Paul Giamatti safely returned to his pure habitat: up on the large display, enjoying hapless schlubs and cantankerous underdogs. ♦