How Allison Holker Discovered Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss’ Drug Behavior Whereas Selecting Out Funeral Outfit

Weeks after the Ellen DeGeneres Current co-executive producer and longtime DJ died by suicide at age 40 in December 2022, the dancer skilled said she found a “cornucopia” of treatment — along with mushrooms, medication and “completely different substances I wanted to seek for on my cellphone” — hidden inside his shoeboxes inside their closet.

“I was with one in every of my really costly mates, and we’ve been cleaning out the closet and selecting out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker said in a model new cowl story for PEOPLE.

“It was a extraordinarily triggering second for me because of there have been a complete lot of points I discovered in our closet that I didn’t know existed. It was very alarming to me to review that there was lots going down that I had no clue [about],” she continued. “It was a extraordinarily scary second in my life to find out that out, nevertheless it certainly moreover helped me course of that he was going by way of lots and he was hiding lots, and there ought to have been a complete lot of shame in that.”

All by way of their nine-year marriage, Holker believed she and Boss had “very reliable” communication about his marijuana use. At night time time, after their youngsters went to mattress, he would quietly slip into their guesthouse to smoke or drink.

“That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay,” Holker said. Nonetheless as she appeared by way of his journals throughout the wake of his demise, the expert dancer realized her husband had hidden painful secrets and techniques and methods from even these closest to him.

“He was wrestling with masses inside himself, and he was attempting to self-medicate and take care of all these feelings because of he didn’t must put it on anyone because of he beloved all people lots,” she says of Boss, who alluded to being sexually abused by a male decide all through his childhood in various of his journal entries. “He didn’t want completely different people to sort out his ache.”

Whereas, initially, Holker said she felt betrayed by his secrets and techniques and methods, due to treatment and time, she’s gained a model new outlook on the state of affairs.

“Learning Stephen’s journals, and even going once more into the books he had study and the problems that he was highlighting and lining, really gave me a better perspective of the place he was in life and the type of points he was combating,” she said. “It did have me actually really feel a complete lot of empathy within the course of him and disappointment for all the ache that he was holding.”

Holker, who particulars her therapeutic journey in a model new memoir titled This Far, out Feb. 4, said by sharing sharing Boss’ struggles throughout the aftermath of his demise, she’s hopeful she’s going to save even just one one who’s been struggling in silence.

“It was really exhausting to put all the gadgets collectively. By the use of positive discussions, even with mates and points which have been said, learning by way of his journals … you perceive he went by way of masses as a toddler and certainly not confronted it,” she says. “It’s exhausting to imagine that he certainly not opened as a lot as any individual and wished to face it, to get by way of on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the similar issue will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you’re going to be okay.”

Whereas Holker said Boss was showing withdrawn, showering a lot much less usually and smoking morning and night time time, and acknowledged to her that he was going by way of a low interval, the mother of three said her late husband was “very cautious about this wording.”

On the time, he was closing out eight years on The Ellen DeGeneres Current whereas moreover ending a run as a select on So You Assume You Can Dance.

Nonetheless, “we’ve been making ready for this huge yr,” she says. “It appeared like, ‘Oh, he takes a resting interval,’ which he would say he’s certainly not had.”

In hindsight, Holker said she believes Boss was struggling to look out he stability between his public, extroverted persona as “tWitch,” and his private life as a result of the introverted Stephen.

“After I might think about my husband on the time, I’d assume, ‘Oh, I like that tWitch is such a unbelievable performer, nevertheless then when he comes residence he feels safe enough to be Stephen,’” she said. “I was with him for due to this fact prolonged, and that’s how he’s been all the connection. I was like, ‘It’s a phenomenal issue that he can be every.’”

Wanting once more, Holker has realized his “two very fully completely different personalities” have been an increasing number of “battling” each other. “What if he felt safe being this one person who has fully completely different type of energies,” she puzzled. “You should not have to be a really fully completely different particular person and put them other than each other.”

Holker, who shared children, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5, with Boss, along with Weslie, 16, who she welcomed in a earlier relationship, said Boss dropped Weslie at school the morning sooner than he went missing, telling PEOPLE that {the teenager} was the ultimate particular person of their family to see him alive, together with that his remaining phrases to her have been, “I need I might presumably be your Superman.”

“Having any individual say closing phrases to you that you just didn’t really course of on the time as being one thing improper … that’s really exhausting, notably as a teen,” Holker said, sharing that Weslie nonetheless attends the similar college.

“She handles it with far more grace than she must ought to. We took the steps to truly help her and speak collectively together with her and make her actually really feel seen and heard,” Holker continues. “I consider she moreover sees these phrases as one factor gorgeous, and as well as ugly. It’s a battle that she’s going to always have with herself, nevertheless I do know she’s going to see it from both sides.”

Nonetheless by feeling these full fluctuate of emotions and understanding there’s a light on the end of that tunnel of grief, is one factor Holker hopes readers take away from her new book.

Must you or any individual you understand is combating despair or has had concepts of harming themselves or taking their very personal life, get help. The Nationwide Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7, free, confidential assist for people in distress.

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Delicate by Allison Holker comes out Feb. 4 from Harper Select and is on the market for preorder now, wherever books are purchased.