Are You There, Zeus? It’s Me, Hermes

Hey Zeus, is that this an excellent time to speak?

I’ll be fast. Sure, after all you may lie down. And yeah, I’ll seize you a nectar after—double shot with caramel, I do know.

I first need to say how honored I’m to work because the messenger right here on Mt. Olympus. The job has been an actual privilege. I really like going to earth and watching the people scramble to make sense of their frivolous existence—so humorous. Plus, it’s all the time a thrill to inform girls at bars that my boss is the all-powerful god. You understand how I like speaking to girls. (And listening to them!)

So, with all these great advantages in thoughts, I need to ask, respectfully—might I’ve a distinct energy?

Hear me out: I’m the one god who works a nine-to-five. Have you ever seen that? I’m not saying that the opposite gods are slacking off, however I’m the one one holding down an actual job. The others are simply hanging out and utilizing their powers for enjoyable. And I don’t blame them! If I had been god of the ocean, or of affection, I’d completely do the identical factor. Everybody has a particular ability, whereas mine is . . . being your messenger.

I ask as a result of I believe the opposite gods see me as your assistant, fairly than as an equal. And you know the way they are often brats! Final week, Ares made enjoyable of me for being your “bag boy,” and, as I attempted to consider a comeback, you pinged me to ship a letter. He thought that was hilarious. I tried to report this incident to H.R., however Ares threatened to battle them final century and now they ignore all complaints about him. Talking of which, do not inform Ares I mentioned this.

So, in gentle of all that, I wrote up some concepts to share with you.

No. 1: Since Hera is the goddess of girls, I’m wondering if I is likely to be the god of males. Oh, duh—you’re the god of males. Then what about boys? No, you’re proper—that will be bizarre.

My second concept is about being the “god of easy speak.” No offense to the opposite gods, however I’m in all probability probably the most enjoyable to speak with at a celebration, as a result of I’ve had apply interacting with all kinds once I run errands for you. And I don’t imply that passive-aggressively! I actually love my job so a lot.

My third concept is that I could possibly be the “god of spoons.” I couldn’t consider the rest that wasn’t already taken. Plus, I take advantage of a spoon just about day-after-day, and it might be good to know that I actually owned my spoon, in addition to all spoons.

No? Properly, is there another area left? Wait, did you say “thieves”? However doesn’t everybody hate thieves? No, no, it’s fantastic. I’ll take it. No, yeah, ha ha, this completely guidelines. Now I can be Hermes, god of messages . . . and thieves. Thanks.

Whereas I’ve you, can I additionally ask about paid sick days—

Oh, sorry! I’ll get your nectar ASAP. Ship all these messages, too? In fact. Be proper again. ♦