I, a Performatively Feminist Male, Will Be Touring Internationally

I’m taking my act on the street, and I’d like to see you see me there! The tour kicks off in my house city of Philadelphia, the place I can be yelling “Time’s up!” at numerous A.T.M.s. For those who can’t be a part of me for opening evening, you may catch me on a rush-hour practice the next morning, manspreading the pages of my well-worn copy of “A Vindication of the Rights of Lady” (1792)—a seminal quantity.

Subsequent, I’ll hop throughout the pond to the UK, the place I’ll be lingering in entrance of the London Zoo, telling guests who didn’t ask about my private hero, Lucy Evelyn Cheesman, O.B.E., who was the primary feminine curator of bugs. I’ll in all probability shut the present with a ritualistic rending of my clothes for the large cats locked away with out authorized illustration—a bit of factor known as doing the work.

Then on to a secret present (you heard it right here first!) in Hamburg, Germany. I can’t say precisely the place it’ll happen however, trace, trace: Folks procuring at a sure present store of a sure membership will be told of John Lennon’s (ahem) cavernous historical past of emotional spousal abuse. My German isn’t so robust. I’ll mime the accusations if I need to. And I need to.

Folks in all probability need to ask me, “Will you ever carry out once more in Paris?” In fact I’ll—ultimately. But it surely actually comes right down to demand for the present, so please contact your conseillers municipaux and ask that the bannissement d’un fool be lifted, rapidement. I used to be a scholar on the time. The entire thing was years in the past.

Regardless, every week of relaxation is scheduled previous to my return stateside. I deserve it, and fortunately hostels are most secure for males with gauged ears travelling alone. Although, figuring out my ardour for justice, I received’t loosen up a lot. I’ll in all probability spend the entire time doing one thing foolish, like volunteering at a blood financial institution whereas concurrently donating blood and offering bodily safety for women at that very same blood financial institution. It’s known as intersectionality.

Then, rested (if a bit of dizzy), I’ll embark on a visit to the stomach of the imperial beast/my grandparents’ home in Scranton, Pennsylvania, the place I’ve been requested to supply my providers to an aged lady so as to relocate a few of my private archives to a extra appropriate location. I’ll be going it solo, as a result of I don’t imagine in groupies and the environmental impression of flying with them can be staggering. I’ll in all probability simply submit up at the back of a Greyhound and stream Caitlin Clark interviews at full quantity. As those that have ever by chance made eye contact with me are properly conscious, I’ve at all times supported girls’s baseball.

The second leg (sexist time period) of the tour can be introduced quickly. Within the meantime, I’m simply doing just a few intimate gigs, taking part in the hits: stapling an outsized copy of “The Female Mystique” (1963) to my brow outdoors of the D.M.V., et cetera. Keep tuned! ♦